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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Ricky =)'s LiveJournal:

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Thursday, January 24th, 2008
6:33 pm
Live journal is dead...
So, I never post anymore. However, I occasionally come on to catch up with long lost friends... No one hardly posts anymore. (maggie, you post the most, which is quite infrequent.) LJ is dead. sad. I have some ridiculously ridiculous moments captured on this site. It's so fun to look back 5 years ago and see how stupid you were.
Wednesday, December 19th, 2007
8:56 pm
just so I don't forget...
I never use this, but I need to make a few mental notes to revisit later when I write my ghetto memoir:

** IPOD was stolen today
** Cell phone was stolen today. (Separate incident)

**Teacher turned in a request for an official investigation stating that I made a "let's smoke weed gesture" to a group of 6 kids and they all proceeded to follow me off school grounds to get high.

** ANonymous teacher called into the department of education and stated that I am committing fraud. $10,000 worth! Deep in the trenches of a legal battle.

**I apparently not only teach high school but am in high school

**I turned in the first half of my masters thesis. Almost done!!!

**I've created an entire new field of study/language: education ecology. I'm amazing and this thesis will be published by the year's end.

**I'm starting a GSA (gay-straight-alliance) at my uber-thug, ghetto, I hate gays high school. I'm scared... literally. I may back out.

** My school received one of only 5 "F's" in the city on our official state report card.

**I'm writing an entire original work based on the "F" with my drama club kids. WE're performing it in Midtown and inviting Bloomberg, Klein and Trump!
Saturday, September 22nd, 2007
7:24 pm
moral of the story...
NEVER SAY DIE!!! :)~ GOOOO BLLUUEEEE!!!!!!!!!! Rose Bowl?- YES!
Saturday, September 15th, 2007
12:27 pm
teaching and theses and MBA school, oh my!
School is back in. I'm teaching all english this year- no math! :) It's amazing. The kids are so very different in english class. I'm loving it. I'm thankful to have been blessed with the skills to comfortably teach multiple subjects. It's been a great ride. Thanks to the jews, we had thur and fri off from school!!! It's been a wonderful weekend thus far and it's only saturday!

Here is the tentative first marking period reading list for my classes:

Freshies- MONSTER
JUNIORS- SHORT STORIES, MAYBE ROMEO AND JULIET (they should have already read it- alas they got screwed over and I'd be remiss if they were to leave high school not having read Shakespeare's most obnoxiously overdone play.)
Seniors- A huge rap/hip-hop unit with mostly articles, journals, transcribed tv/interview/radio material, lyrics, original work and any other supplemental material along the way.

Reading material not yet determined where it fits in the year:

*GO Ask Alice (If I can muster the courage and convince admin.)
*The COlor of Water (although I'm thinking no)
* Dutchman (this should be wicked intense
*Ender's Game (and or Fahrenheit 451)
* R & J/ West Side Story
*Red Scarf Girl
*Flowers for ALgernon (so. very. excited.)
*Laramie Project (I'm still completely apprehensive, yet I feel I must. Ack, these kids are g to the hetto and very homophobic.)
*a Catcher in the Rye (required, blah.)
*A Road Less Traveled (grr, one L!)
*Raisin in the Sun (ehh, mebbe.)
*Maus I and II
*Bread givers
*The Color Purple (then take them to see it on Broadway)
*OThello (umm, mebbe?)
*Kite RUnner (umm, mebbe?)

That's what I have so far. A few I need to refresh on. heh. It's been a while. It's a little intense having to teach all four grades. THat's to be the hardest part, I think.

In other news, I'm writing my dissertation thesis. Tentative outline:

*1 month collecting/reading/synthesizing hundreds of primary sources
*1 month taking it all in and formulating my own hypothesis
*1 month to generate and perfect an experiment to run after the new
*1 month to run the experiment(s)
*1 month to organize the data and do statistical analysissss
*1 month to blab on about my procedures, results and post thoughts
*a few weeks to put it all together and make it look like I'm a successful, coherent and wildly important scientist.

I'm both really excited and really overwhelmed. I'm taking three classes this term. I'm writing the thesis. I'm teaching five periods a day to FOUR different grades. I'm studying for the GMAT and (hopefully) beginning my essays for my Harvard MBA. ACK! I'm organizing a huge hispanic culture event with food, festivities, original works, a short one act, some dancers and music, eeeeekkk!!!!

Obvi. not dating. No time. No prospects. I'm ok with this... mostly. I have no libido so all's well. I don't think I've even jo in weekS!

Ciao kids. Hope all is well. Do something nice for somebody. peace.

Current Mood: happy yet overwhelmed
Monday, September 3rd, 2007
12:12 am
Another year...
School starts up again this week. I'm mixed. Much more excited than not. Just sad to give up my summer off studying for the GMAT, reading for pleasure and simply hanging out. Alas, I'm not teaching math this year; I'm teaching english. And I'm very, very stoked about this. I have a feeling this year is going to be even better than last year.

P.S.- my new room is a total Pimp pad. :) Seriously, it's the most gorgeous thing I've ever laid eyes on. I should do interior decorating. Hmm, umm- no!

Things are great. I'm writing my thesis this year- hence graduating from this dual masters programmmmm!!!! :)

I'm studying like a maniac for the GMAT's for B-school (read: 4th degree: MBA from Harvard.)

After this year of teaching I'm moving to Europe for a year to write a book.

Life is good. I hope I can save $10,000 in the next 12 months. I know I can.

Hope all is well... Good bye. :)

Current Mood: anxious
Wednesday, July 25th, 2007
11:40 pm
In 19 minutes! :)
Friday, June 29th, 2007
2:38 pm
the good- the bad- the ugly.
My first year of teaching is over!!! I'm so stoked. GOD BLESS SUMMER VACATIONS!!! It's crazy to think back to September about the naive, excited idealist that I was. I still am probably all of those things... perhaps more so in many ways- but it's just awe-striking and joy filling.

I cried a lot at graduation. Other teachers were making fun of me! hah. My two favorite students (one was the salutatorian and the other was the only kid in our school to graduate with an Honors Regents diploma) Somehow I was blessed with working side-by-side all year with the two smartest kids at my school. It was hard to say goodbye. I cried during his speech and lost it when they both walked across... what was the worst (best) part was:

THe one (I'm not mentioning names) came out to me. In a letter. I don't have it on me, but I will post it later. He informed me that I helped him during his lowest points this year... that my youthful and joyful nature is infectious and that he doesn't know where he would be today without me. That I've helped him in ways he can't explain. That I'm a role model for him that he never thought he'd find at Chelsea and that his gratitude is endless. I know right? It completely threw me. I'ma miss them boys. The other bought me this awesome book called "Depraved and Insulting English." It's AMAZING. Honestly. He also got me a book of sex shots. hah. We've just built that type of relationship. Excerpts from what he wrote:

"Thank you for all the memories!!! Dear Mr. Herbert, (best teacher, adviser, role model ever!!!) Disregard the horrific handwriting. May I call you Ricky? :) Hope you like my present. Thank you so much for an amazing year. I consider you to be a real role model, my first ever too! (this was powerful!) I know you'll go places, I'll see you there!!! Oh yea, the year definitely would've been cray if you weren't here."

I'll post the other kids' later. He came out to me! I think he's been waiting to all year. He's sort of hinted at it. No one else knows, which is scary and sad. He didn't fit in at my school. He was too smart. Too stylish. Too "different" as he calls it. He dresses diff, talks diff, more effeminate... he reminds me so much of myself back then. ANd wow, did I have a hard go at it- especially in middle school. So it was so frustrating for me. I told him he just needed to wait til college. It all balances out then and then it's his turn to take the stage and come into his own. Uck, college!

IN OTHER NEWS, I lost 700 dollars playing poker with the mafia last night/today. I played for 12 hours from 10pm thur to 10am fri. It was sick. I've had only a few hours sleep. I'm hoping I can go back. I hate myself. I don't know what to do. I'm going on an oatmeal diet to punish myself. I'm putting myself of probation, NO more spending for two months and I'm trying to find someone to buy my Bob Dylan tickets for tonite. I really am so angry. What am I going to do with myself?

OK- NOW WITH THE BEST NEWS EVER!!! So, there's this guy who was in my masters class this past semester (just ended yesterday.) Anyway, the whole semester we would always look at each other, smile, become deeply engaged/invested in one another's comments (I hogged the airwaves in this class... I thought I was annoying- he was transfixed! I love it. hah.) Anyway, this class was four nights a week for 2 hours... We saw each other EVERYDAY and barely talked beyond the superficial level or in regards to classroom discussion. I'd been trying to find a way all semester to get my friends (Emily and Kristy) to find a way to get us all out together for drinks after class. Mission NOT accomplished. SO, after last night's class I stayed around for like 15 minutes (because I'm that guy) and talked with my professor (because she's that girl.) Then... which is probably the sweetest thing ever- as I walked outside and looked out to the setting horizon, slightly misty air and gorgeous view of the only amazing part of campus- there he was. Standing by this sweet ass pillar/rock way thing. He smiled and I walked over. (He was smoking, which I hate and I called him out on it. I could never date a smoker. He says he hates it and only started this year because teaching (HE'S A TEACHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!) was sooooo stressful for him this year. He wants to quit.) Long story short, Emily "used the bathroom" to give us time to chat. I made no move. Emily said we should all get drinks (cuz she's AWESOME) and he was like, "actually, I wanted to give you this." It was a paper with his # and email. You could tell he was nervous and wanted to give it to me just as bad as I wanted to get it from him all semester. It was the cutest thing ever. I tried to contain my cheesin' smile- clearly we must keep our facade, no? After he walked away (or so we thought) Emily and I danced right there in the courtyard. We did our sexy dance, our sexy song and she ran into my arms and I spun her around. We both worked so hard this summer to find a way to talk with him. Little did we know, he was waiting too!!! Anyway, HE HADN'T LEFT. HAH. He was around the corner. It was sooo awkward. hah. I bet he heard our sexy song. Anyway, he smiled again and took off. NOw, I know the two day rule for calling... but those rules need not apply when it comes to texting, right? And after a semester long class on diversity, multiculturalism, equity, social justice and social identities- I thought it only fair to give him my #! hah. lame. So, this is the transcripts from last night's and this morning's text-a-thon:

ME: "Hey. dunno if you get texts- but after a month discussing equity, I thought it only fair: 734-709-6818. Ciao! :)"

HIS Hot Foreign ass: So, assuming u r mister ricky, u r sending ur number only for the cause of equity, huh?"

ME: "I've always been a fan of equal opportunity. Level the playing field if you will."

Him: "And I've always been straightforward. I admire the work you do. ANd u r so cute. ANd I like hearin from u in class. And u made comin to class in june a bit more excitin. R u singly"

ME: *stage direction* (shit my pants. Run the other way, cuz I hate this forward approach. Decide to role with it.) "What are you doing tomorrow?"

Him: Kinda busy. Might be free 4 to 6. Im checking to confirm two tix I have 4 a play on saturday w my british coworker and her husband. Was were you thinking of tomorrow?"

ME: "Moments ago, I acquired two tix to Bob Dylan and I think both of us could use the culture."

Him: "I messed up the ending of the mssg. I meant to say 'i was thinking of invitin u. r u free? On strday?'"

Him: "U r funny. Would love to. But I have commitments.

Me: "Sad. Bobby will be so disappointed. What show saturday?"

HIm: "I'm bummed about Dylan. And will let u know abt saturday asac (as soon as I can.) :) happy friday!!

ME: "I'm at a mafia-run poker joint. It's 10 am. I lost a lot of $$$. Happy Friday to you too!"

HIM: " Naughty boi!! What exactly have u been up to? Gambling 4 real? I'm back at work w the little monsters. Not fair!"

(he's doing a summer program with his kids, HOW CUTE?!?)

ME: "Yes, for real. I lost a lot of $$$. I'm so angry with my self. I'm delusional. Going home to sleep. :( Have a good one, kiddo.

HIM: NO REPLY!!!!!!! Either he got busy with work or he's totally freaked and like "I'm not going to get mixed up with a gambler. :( I need to work on this. Maybe I shouldn't have aired my dirty laundry. I'll quit gambling if he quits smoking. hah. ;)


Summer classes start next thursday. Sad. :( hah.
Sunday, June 24th, 2007
8:32 pm
The building deal closed yesterday! It's ours. Implementation plans will soon be in full affect. What am I am talking about? well...

My dad and I are opening a business back in Michigan. I will still live in New York, and fly home like a banshee. (that means hella often ;) I'll also do most of my end by computer (web conference, email, on line purchasing/layout, messaging) phone conference and fax. And of course, fly home a lot.

My friend Jeff is going to be one of our lead men- and help my dad carry out most of the managerial stuff that I can't hands-off handle. And I'll do most of the creative outlay, design and business side of things.

The premise- A hybrid fun house:

* One section will be a cybercafe!

* Another part is going to be a pastry/ice cream /coffee shop.

* Another will be more of a "game space" with pool tables, video arcade games, air hockey, ping pong, etc...

* Another section (my favorite section) is going to be a staged performance space for up and coming/wannabe actors, comedians, musicians, miscellaneous performers to perform.

* Another section is a loft lounge space for meetings, conferences, studying, quiet time...

* Then... which I am totally stoked about- A putt-putt golf course on the roof!!!

*Also an outdoor patio section

*And finally- a flat screen tv lounge area.

Pretty sweet huh? My dad is the financial backer. I'm the creative ingenue and business man who gets to take all the credit (I kid!) and Jeff will be the logistical "let me carry all of this out" guy, along with my dad.

It's going to be this very funky, bohemian, london flat, ikea-inspired, artsy yet totally modern space.

The feel is going to be a sort of hybrid mix- inducing this really great "big city" ambiance into a sleepy old town in hopes of bringing them into a 21st technological-savvy existence.

To be honest, my biggest goal is to successfully add this to my "bag of tricks" for my Harvard MBA application. Also to hopefully provide Jeff with a really great opportunity for a long-term job (perhaps career) option and have my dad go outside of the box and take on this huge task. Retirement has bred complacency! (not really.)

Wednesday, June 20th, 2007
10:49 am
Food for Thought: Playing Parallels

Educating/civilizing the savages (Native Americans) to make them acculturated, assimilated creatures...


IRAQ war and the installation of democracy (and subsequently civility) onto a nation who didn't ask for it.

-------------CAST THEM OFF THE ISLAND!!!

Creating reservations for Native Americans to live (exclusively) on- as they watch THEIR land and lives be taken over...


Self contained special education classrooms where oil and water (speders and gen ed kids) DON'T mix!

----------Ningún español de hablar sólo inglés aquí!!!

Native Americans being taken from their families at very young ages and placed in "English-Exclusive" educational settings to assimilate the young minds to the "Anglo-way." Leaving behind their families, cultures, languages and ways of life...


ESL (English as a second language) students who are thrown into english-only classrooms, expected to learn the language and "American ways" in order to participate in the cutthroat (market economy) world they're ascribed to.

Last night in my "Psychology of Education" masters class, several students were shocked and appalled as we delved into the world of representation (or lack there of) minorities in education. As we glossed over a brief history of Native Americans in this country... I had to stop the class and rant about the above parallels. The harsh (yet seemingly obvious) realization that perhaps our country hasn't evolved nearly as much as most would like to believe over the past 200+ years scared some. Because we aren't (or are we?) overtly performing such savage acts of self-entitlement, inequality, racism, discrimination and inequity- certainly shouldn't for a second make us become complacent, simply deducing, "wow, that America sure is somethin'!" puhhhlleeaazzee~
Sunday, June 17th, 2007
10:36 am
Let's see if i can bullet point and mean it this time... it's been a while...

* First year of teaching is over!!! (I have 1.5 more weeks of going to work and doing nothing. The Dept of Ed. is an idiotically run system. Waste of time and $$$. Alas- no kids, except the ones taking the Regents tests.)

**It will probably take me a month or two to really run everything through in my head, but it's been an amazing year. My kids and I have grown so much together- far more than I ever thought possible (or necessary.) I remember walking in the first day and hearing everyone's shit talk, "faggot. fucking queer as nigga. Is he the teacher? hahaha!!! I wonder if he takes it or gives it? I'ma fuck him up. He's like the skittles rainbow. taste the rainbow. dude, step back. don't get too close." THese are only about 5-10 minutes worth, I have a whole year of material. However...

***We grew together. I taught them more about tolerance, difference, acceptance and being different than I could have ever dreamed about teaching in math class. THey have embraced me in a way that couldn't have happened had we not gone on the roller coaster ride together. A ride that they (however reluctantly) let me take them on. And for that, I am more grateful than my finite ability to depict here. I've changed for the better because of them. I mean, I swear A LOT more than I used to (they can't make sentences without cuss words) but I am so much more humble... grateful... understanding and self-giving. I gave my life this year. The entirety of my financial, emotional, physical, educational, and psychological self. And I don't want any of it back.

****I also learned that my tolerance for stupidity and ignorance is not as high as I would like it to be. Nor is my ability to remain calm when my students don't "get it." As a result, I've pushed for an honor's special education math class that, if approved, I will design and teach in the fall. And besides that, I will be teaching all english and history classess next fall instead of math. It was hard for me to teach kids who hated something so much... not to mention so very bad at it. With this being said, every single student, teacher and administrator informed me that these kids learned more from me this year than they have their entire high school mathematical careers. One girl, who is one of my 3 lowest functioning, said to me- "Yo Herbert, I know how much grief I've given you this year... but you don't understand. YOu taught me more this year than anybody ever. YOu are my best math teacher of my life. You better be back next year." The point is, these kids learned from me and now i'm quitting on them. hah. Not totally- I'm staying there, just switching subjects. It's just that math is such a hard subject to teach well to inner-city special education students (let alone general ed, suburbia students.) I know I will partially regret it next year if they are stuck with a moron.

***** I want to introduce them to my world... to Shakespeare and Williams... to live theatre and the arts... to political performance and performance art... to the art of creative writing and writing that's against the grain... performance within the classroom and invisible theatre. To writing that doesn't have to be boring, painful or "by the books"... to literature they wont be able to put down, as opposed to literature they refuse to pick up. I want to be able to integrate the past 5 years of my life traveling/performing/studying around the world and all the amazing things I've picked up along the way...

******- Raymond didn't pass the state test (Regents.) He told me to call him at home as soon as the grade was processed to let him know. He got a 60. He needed a 65. 4 teachers and an AP re-graded it before I did (to look for extra points.) THat burst my bubble. I've worked my ass off with him this year. I put too many eggs in his basket. It was such a shock to me.

*******I've got a crush on one of the students in my grad class.

********- I gave an exceptional 2-hour presentation last wednesday at university. People filled me with praise and it felt warm and oozy.

**********I need to start thinking of my thesis. One more year of grad school. (Uck, I have classes until Aug 1st this summer. :( hah)

******** I'm still studying for the GMAT. Plan to teach one more year and then either take some time off to write, perform and travel or go directly to Business School. (a.k.a.- Harvard, I hope.)

********* I was going to post this on so many occasions, but I guess it sort of becomes real when you do... like you finally believe what the doctors and Venky keep saying to actually be true. Clemmie is dying. For those of you who may not know, Clemmie (Clement) is Venky's partner. They've been together (in some capacity) for over 12 years. It's such a hard time right now... he's such an amazingly good person. Like the "ANgel on earth" type. It's just not fair. WHenever I'm at the hospital (he's basically in a comatose state at this point) and see his parents, I immediately become flooded with emotions and have to leave. Parents aren't supposed to have to endure burying their child. I always thing of my mommy and how her world would crumble. To see this fragile, innocent chinese couple with their heads constantly drooping and their weary eyes just millimeters from closing... It hurts. It just all seems so unfair. I. don't. do. death. Makes me question my relationship with God even more than I already do.

********** I'm going home friday!!! I'm so excited. Mel... the last person one would ever expect to... is getting married! I'm so blissfully happy for her. Her and Eli (the hubby) are getting a house and have a baby Abigail. (sp? that's sad. hah.) The wedding was yesterday on Mackinaw Island and the reception is this saturday. I'm also spending friday night in Ann Arbor to visit all my old college friends (and exes.) It's scary... I hope I mind my P's and Q's (I never got that... "p's and q's." ANyway.) Should be fun. I'M MISSING GAY PRIDE THOUGH... THE ONE WEEKEND OUT OF THE YEAR I WOULD HAVE LIKED IT TO NOT HAVE BEEN... :(:(:( OH WELL.

*********** Happy Father's Day.

************ I had a really weird, yet completely awesome story happen on thursday... It involved a gaggle of gorgeous go-go dancers, post "crazy gay club" mindsets, a taxicab to the producers house for a "night cap" and me calling in to work. In the end, a massage in my underwear and cold pizza was all my crazy moral compass would allow me to handle. I excused myself to "go to the bathroom" and ended up dressing and heading out. I just couldn't. So the dry spell continues. They. were. gorgeous. uck. such is life- damn standards, morals and inability to just let go. Worst part is, one liked me a lot and called me first thing the next morning, of course I can't talk to him now cuz he'll forever be known as a whore. oh well.

************* I met a really adorable boy at the Gym bar the other day. He's been calling... I think I will go out with him.

****************I've been a total Gym bunny and have the best body of my life. Feels nice. In fact I'm about to end this so I can go.

*****************I'm in the process of doing a court battle with my Union to fight a $2000 salary differential that was revoked. :(

*******************I'm opening a business with my dad and good friend from high school (back in Michigan.) My dad is the financial backer, my friend is the catalyst who will put into action my master plan and I am the long-distance brains and creative guru behind the operation. I'm really excited. I'll do my work via email, the web, conference calls and trips home on the weekends. Should be an exciting and stressful next year. More to come on this.

**********************Kristy (my gorgeous, smart, sexy counterpart here) and I are starting to talk seriously about having a baby. I know this seems to be coming out of left field... but both of our biological time clocks are ticking. More on this later.

************************I had a bunch more, but I'm out.
Sunday, April 22nd, 2007
12:28 pm
It's going to be near 80 today! Hot shit. I wish I would have woke earlier.
Wednesday, April 4th, 2007
5:54 pm
Got to love NYC dept of ed! 11 days off... soooo very sexy! Sure, I'm already on day 5... but we wont go there. :( hah.

I was supposed to be in Miami right now visiting Mike, Jeff, Sheila and Robert. Blah. Oh well. My lethargy and inability to settle on official plans was my fatal flaw... the hero's hamartia, if you will. oh well.

I'm supposed to be in DC/Virginia right now. Alas, lethargy... again. I'm just so lazy and actually enjoying partying til wee hours of the morning throughout the week, sleeping in late, gyming it up all day and going out again. I imagine it's what life would be like if I were a scene queen in L.A.

I've met a lot of really cool people on break so far. I met these two really awesome people two nights ago and we hung out again last night. They are roommates. One is a girl. One is a guy. They are both deaf. They make me happy. Last night it was just the three of us at this big gay night at this bar. So many scene queens and drama... it was nice to just sit in a corner for over 5 hours and hang with them and watch them communicate with one another. Patience was definitely a virtue. I got to work on my sign language (which is def. getting better... as is my spanish! :) IT was really cool. SOmetimes we texted with their side kicks when we got sick of trying to sign back and forth. Good times! 3rd night in a row getting home and in bed after 6am though. It's like early, early years of college all over again. I normally wake at that time!!! :) I need to start slowly getting back into habit. School will start up again soon enough.

Went shopping/had lunch with Judy yesterday. Was lovely. I miss her and her infinite brain power and sexiness. I wish I made more time for people I hold dear. SHe got sexy sunglasses... I got everything else. heh. :)

I've turned into a gym bunny. At least once a day... sometimes twice. I wanna be sex. :) Also, it's my filler for having no dreamy boy in my life. :)

I started chatting a bit with Luis (the long term, live in ex back in MI.) It's fun. I was practicing my spanish with him. :) It's def. getting better!

Oh, A transcribance (yes, I know it's not a word... but it should be!) from today's IM conversation with Joey (the recent ex I broke up with here in NY.) He apparently ran into Luis' good friend Mariella because Luis somehow found out and told her I was dating an NYU kid and she went on the prowl (she goes to NYU)... all very weird- maybe he should be a detective. Anyway, this is part of the convo... it just made me giggle how many jabs I could get in and still be "the bigger person":

ToXiCboy909 (5:48:11 PM): hmmm i dont know how the guy im dating right now would like that....you might remember him, Jordan, he asked me "what do I get for winning"...and in the end, he got me. I guess one mans trash is another mans treasre
rickyatuofm (5:52:12 PM): hah guess so! ur not so good at playing nice are you? guess it comes with age.
rickyatuofm (5:52:30 PM): u mean the kid I spanked at air hockey? I'd say u can def. do better. at least looks wise.
ToXiCboy909 (5:54:47 PM): he looks good to me lol
rickyatuofm (5:55:42 PM): beauty is always in the eyes of the beholder and that's all that matters!
ToXiCboy909 (5:56:50 PM): i miss u though. hm.
ToXiCboy909 (6:00:16 PM): but yea, i do miss you; our little drunken outings to mcdonalds and pizza, and more drunken outings to more fast food places- geesh that was our whole existance lol
rickyatuofm (6:00:13 PM): I am glad u got a rebou... I mean new man, tho! Ihope he's great. really.
rickyatuofm (6:00:44 PM): that. was. all. we. did. you. got. me. fat. now I'm a gym bunny who goes twice a day. see how you messed with me?
ToXiCboy909 (6:00:54 PM): a rebound....ur such an ass
rickyatuofm (6:01:14 PM): All out of love.

In other news, I was supposed to go to Yale (New Haven) every day this week with Venky for a day trip. Again, lethargy. uck. hah. It may be my M.B.A alma mater some day. :) That or Harvard. SPeaking of, I need to get back to studying for the test!

I need to start being productive over this break! I did get one big masters project done today. THat felt good. However, I have a book that needs to be read, a presentation that needs to be done (I present the first day back to class. I'm going to turn it into a hybrid game show mixing THe Price is Right and Let's Make a Deal!!!) 100 midterms that need to be graded and I want to get ahead on lessons for the rest of the year.

I still haven't done my taxes. uck.

I'm rambling. I keep leaving this entry to do other things. Clearly my heads not in the game. I'm out. Need to do work if I want to play!

Oh, I hear it's rainy and cold out today... I haven't been out and my bedroom window faces another building inches away and I'm too lazy to go into the living room and see out or gorgeous view. So, I'ma pretend they're all idiots and it's really 75 and sunny. Wait, shit! Why am I not outside theN? uuccckkk...

ciao kidz~ :)

Current Mood: thoughtful
Tuesday, March 27th, 2007
9:21 pm
I organized and conducted an all day math scavenger race today around NYC with my kids. It. was. PERFECT! 75 degrees, sunny, great attitudes, team work, great math done... uck. Made me happy. ANNNDDD I got it all done by 1:30 (over 2 hours before the bell would have rang had we been in school.) I let them all go and I went to the gym!!! :) I also just went tonight. I'm addicted. Two intense workout. Love it! I will have the hottest body in NYC this summer, damn it!

I realized something HUGE today. It's a great feeling, but scary too. I decided I would buy pizza for lunch today for all of my kids on the trip (read: 70 dollars.) They were all so hungry and juvenile (read: unintentionally selfish) that they devoured the food. I just sat back and watched them. I was hungry. It was pizza. I like pizza. I paid for it. I ate none. I was so happy to watch them stuff their faces...

THen, later Isaac came up to me and gave me a lollipop that he got from COmmerce Bank. He didn't have one for John and I immediately just handed him mine without even thinking. It's really not a big deal, but happening directly after the pizza... it made me think. This job is forcing me to become so giving of everything I have. So unselfishly, unthinkingly open and willing to turn it all over for them. It's simultaneously immensely rewarding and terribly scary. Growing up is such the process!

I want to go on a date this week. I decided. And I've got it narrowed down to two young chaps.

Miami fell through. A different trip (Miami/FT. Lauderdale) is in the process. May leave this weekend. Easter... sorry- Spring break starts friday at 3:41. Goes for 11 days until the 11th!!!!!!! So stoked. Debating on Michigan (entire family and friends network), upstate Florida (mommy/sis), south Florida (hot guys, a couple friends, co teacher), somewhere in Europe (prob. not), Washington D.C./Virginia (ERin and TOny), Texas? (Cory. I have not mentioned this to him... hah... maybe he'll read it.), California (friends from when I lived there.) New York (my life. It may be nice to really enjoy this city without holding back. I'd also get the most work done here!!! and it'd be the cheapest!!!)

I need to sleep. So glad I don't have masters tomorrow. These two classes are much more work than last semester. One is totally worth it though. Taking 4 classes in the spring/summer. It's going to be intense. All classes meet 4 days a week! uck. I want to get this masters over. Time to start another.

Too many people expect too much from too many! (At time, myself included.) It's obnoxious and only drives people away. I'm not Jesus, people! Be happy with what I have to give! hah. :)

My school paper (that I'm adviser for) has all but drowned. It's sad. I wish my school was more motivated, committed and smart. Oh well. :( I just couldn't do all of the grunt work, writing and editing for it anymore and pretend like I had this amazing student staff doing it all. In reality, I have two dedicated, smart and great guys who do it... but that's not enough. It's too much for all 3 of us. They're seniors and need to start focusing on the next stage of their lives. uck, high school. :) I wouldn't go back if you paid me.

My leopard, orange, spotty, missing the entire back half of my head highlights are starting to settle with me. Each day I'm becoming more and more tolerant. I really wanted hot hair for vacation. I may go back tomorrow and complain. Who knows. It's been 3 days, is that too long?

Ok, I need to sleep. I always have so much to update and get so tired. night kids.

Current Mood: satisfied
Friday, March 23rd, 2007
11:01 am
It's been a while...
Life is good. The weather is beginning to break. New York is a lovely place to be as the warm weather makes its way in.

I may go to Miami over easter break to hang with one of my closest friends, Mike. His friend (who apparently knows all about me) lives in a mansion and said that his entire guest house is mine if I want it for the week. :) Part of me really wants to go to Michigan to be with those I hold most dear and part of me wants to go to Eustis (sorta near Tampa) to be with my mommy for easter- but part of me wants to go soak up the sun and enjoy life in Miami for a week. I've never been. Hmm... Decisions, decisions.

I really like one of my masters classes. Well, the teacher at least. The other is average, at best. There's just been a lot of work to keep up with as a full time teacher and part time masters student trying to actually enjoy the NYC lifestyle. I'm doing quite the balancing act, if I do say so myself (and I do! :)

Single life has been great. I've rekindled time with some friends and spent a lot time at the gym and honing in on what it takes to be a great teacher. I've also spent a lot of time on my pool game. We lost in the second round of the NYC-wide playoffs this week. It was sad to have the hard-fought season come to an end, but it was a great season. We lost to an amazing team (with 2 professional players) so it was fine. One of which (who just happens to be a trannie) really likes my game and wants to train and work with me! Sweet. :)

Parent-teacher conferences are (were) last night and today (in about an hour.) It's a half day and the bell is just about to ring. I need to grab a quick lunch before getting back here to meet with parents. Very few will inevitably show. And they will be the ones that don't really need to be here. It's a sick joke, really. 6 hours over two days devoted to waiting for parents to come help bridge the gap for their troubled children and all you get are the 2 devoted parents with exceptional (clearly relative) students.

I'm really starting to enjoy teaching. A lot. I'm good at it and the relationships I've forged with a lot of the kids has been life-altering. Their stories, smiles and frustrations have touched me in ways that I will probably not be able to explain for years. Sure, I get angry, tired, frustrated, want to quit and cry... but I'm learning to take it in stride. Take it for what it is. Leave my ego and emotions (as much I can) at the door. The words "Mr. Herbert" are becoming sweet, albeit scary, words to hear. I'm transforming into a big kid and it's excitingly scary. Still got a LONG way to go. :)

Anyway, the bell rang. I had more to type about, but I'm on a time crunch. lunch. conferences with parents. tanning. gym. shower. maybe poker. maybe this party at a mansion for charity. then out with the summer gang.

Live it before you lose it, kids. *muah* Get outside off this computer!!!

Current Mood: rejuvenated
Sunday, March 4th, 2007
10:37 pm
It's amazing how our insatiable need for deep, earth changing connection, love, support and human touch always trumps. It is, for better or worse, one of our primary reasons for being here. It's one of the most frustrating, exciting, cruel and life altering-ly amazing truths of this whole mess.

For example, when was the last time I updated? Precisely. I'm going through the biggest change of my entire life this year and doing the hardest thing I've yet to do in my short 22 years... and yet I'm on here tonight because I just ended it with Joey. and I'm vulnerable. and teary eyed. and snot nosed. and my heart aches. and I made steak. ahh...

Only people from the midwest would make a really nice steak dinner for and burst into tears as a result of- someone they are choosing to break up with. I don't get it. I knew I wanted to end it and I still do. Yet, I just lost it when it came time to do it...

To see the look in his tender, innocent sweet eyes. To hear his words of how I've altered the course of his life for the better in ways that he can't explain... how I'm simply one person. me. The kid who was unlike anyone he's every encountered. Uck, I lost it. He's such a lovely kid with so much to give. We're just far too different and in different places.

I've never really been broken up with in all my life. I've always been the one to break it off. Perhaps this explains a lot of my intimacy issues. Anyway- as Joey was saying these words to me I desperately wanted to scream out, "then why can't you be this for me? WHy can't I find this supposed 'perfection' [clearly I'm not] that you found in me? When will it all just fall into place?!?" Clearly as more of a plea to the world than to him.

I have a headache, a heartache, a stuffy, snot filled nose, a constant worry for my mommy and family, an unfinished lesson plan for tomorrow a dread lurking at the thought of my alarm going off in the a.m. and a fear for the future that is about enough to knock me out.

There are a lot of great things going on too, and I will update about them soon. Just not now.

I wish I had a glass of wine and some sleeping pills. night kids, hope all is well.

Current Mood: scared
Sunday, February 11th, 2007
2:55 pm
:) Howdy folks.

I need to put away laundry, clean my room, tan and go to the gym before tonite's dinner party- so I wont write much.

Just wanted to say hi and that I'm still alive (depending on how you look at it.) Life's been good. I think. School's kicking my ass- but after this upcoming week- we get 9 days off for winter break. I'm leaving for Florida on monday to see my mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!

I just got a call that my salary differential (i.e. raise) is now going to be taken away and so I lose $7000 this year. I want to cry, but what's the point. The money they've already given me will now be deducted from the next few paychecks. I'm fighting it with my union rep, I dunno what my odds are. I'm too frustrated to type the situation.

I was supposed to get an issue of the school newspaper out last week- but it wont even be out this week. Uck, it's just a lot of extra work that I don't really have the passion for. Oh well. I don't think I will take on the adviser role next year if I do stay at Chelsea. I want to do drama club. We'll see.

My two masters classes are ok. Actually, one is great. THe lady is sooo freaking adorably sweet. The other is eh. TWo morons in the class make it annoying. had the prof before, she's boring and weird. oh well.

I got into a heated qualm with a co teacher of mine. (not the lady from a while back. we were split up.) It's the guy. THe principal doesn't really like math as a co-teaching subject so he may split us too. The guy is a douche. He just is old school and loves to hear himself speak (he's got an annoying Long Island nasally jewish voice) and loves to fail kids.

I've been dating someone for over a month now. It's good. I think. I mean... I dunno. I really enjoy spending time with him. We're just in very different places in our lives right now and I don't know how good we actually mesh. He's uber cute, sweet and fun though. (For lack of a proper fitting word-) intellectually we are quite a bit apart. If I'm not getting the proper mind stimulation from work and I'm "too busy" for my friends who give it to me- I don't know how long I can last not getting enough from a partner. hmmm... Anyway, I need to decide something really cute to do for him for V-day. uck, we'll see.

I've recently gotten a personal trainer, who's put me into protein shock mode. I'm starting to reap the benefits. I wanna be jacked for summer. tuesdays, thursdays, saturdays and sundays are work out days (ideally, for now at least.)

My gambling problem isn't getting better. I've lost several grand since the new year. I should work on that, but lethargy and apathy (more of the latter) get the better of me, I guess.

Mike is extremely happy with his boy and this makes me very happy. It's like a sick fairy tale. hah. It's only been like 10 days- but they're already on the verge of marriage. I see crash landing with lots of pain and sadness in the near future. I hope I'm wrong. However, with really high highs... usually come the low lows. We'll see. I wish they'd just step back for one hot second and reflect. THe guy lives in Miami, which is where Mike is from and was on vacation at. THey met there and when Mike came back this week- the guy surprised him and booked a ticket for the same flight. He may move back here for him. It's all too fast and weird and blinding. Uck- I hope it works. If nothing else- they both have 10 days of perfection that will forever be etched on their brains. They've literally been everywhere and done everything in this short time. A years worth of dates... jealous. hah. :) Joey and I mostly just chill.

Ok, I need to be productive. ciao kids. Hope all is well.

Current Mood: rushed
Monday, January 22nd, 2007
8:23 pm
Dinner: Spinach salad with chicken, kidney beans, garbanzo beans, 2 hard boiled eggs, cucumber, tomato, onion, beets, corn and I forget what else... A platter with nonfat cottage cheese n' tomato, roasted garlic hummus, a mildly (too hard) brie and assorted crackers... oh and A Barnel Select glass of Pinot Noir... BLISS!

Then tea a book and bed. I'ma try and get 9 hours of sleep tonight! :)

I met a boy. A very. very. handsome young (read: too young) fellow! Friday night I went to play poker with my friend Sarah (I teach with her.) She won $500!! :) She was really happy and wanted to party so I agreed to go to some crazy once-a-month club in Brooklyn. It was such a groovyyyyyy place- albeit FAR... FAR TOO CROWDED. Anyway, I met him there.

He convinced me to go home with him friday- I told him I'm a loser midwesterner who doesn't hook up- he was fine. Long story short- I stayed there until sunday night at 10:30! I left my house friday at 6am and came home sunday at 11pm! :) hah.

It was such a lazy, unproductive, AMAZINGLY PERFECT weekend. He's Kooky like me. goofy. cute. Goes to NYU. SOOO CUTE! Italian. Really easy going and likes to have fun.

We went to thrift/vintage stores, thai restaurant, mc. Donald's, pizza, cold stone, drank wine, played pool n' got drinks with some of my friends, watched tv, watched movies, chilled, cuddled like woah, walked around, talked, sang and danced, made a musical, looked at a lot of each others pics... It was nice. It was intense though, we'll see.

He's too young. THat's the bottom line. I wont be able to handle it. I wont say how young, let's just say he's in undergrad (no, not a freshman, freak!) and I'm a high school teacher. hah. He carries himself well though... argh- we'll see!

It's Regents/RCT (standardized tests that all students must pass in order to graduate H.S) week! I'm so stoked. My first half of the year ended... TODAY! I'm proud of myself. I. MADE. IT! Woot~ This week is really a blow off week, which is much needed. I'm going to get a major head start on next semester. I'm going to do a lot more math field trips and hands-on activities. Like everything will be interactive. I'm ready to have some fun, and I know my kids are too!

I need to book a flight to FL to see my mom for my winter break in February. hmm... Should probably get on that! My dad and step mom's 10 year anniversary is in a week or so. So crazy! I can't believe it's been that long. Scary how time flies. I remember my dad being a single guy like it was yesterday... Those were the days... She's a great gal though, and they're perfect for each other. I just wish things could be different between my dad and I. oh well.

Ok, I need to go put on the tea and tuck myself in with my book... It's almost finished- maybe tonite I'll finish. It's dumb Hollywood gay fiction... which is fun to pick up now and then! :) Subway filler/bedtime thriller type.

night kids!~

Current Mood: chipper
Wednesday, January 17th, 2007
8:01 pm
I treated myself today:
*Set a hair appt for tomorrow at Antonio Prieto.
*Bought Heat-protectant cream for my hair from Barney's.
*Bought New (faarr too expensive) shampoo and conditioner.
*Bottle of red wine at a winery I adore. Always free hors douvres and wine tasting.
*Yummy salad with about 26 ingredients! :)

In other news, a kid is claiming his homophobia (due to his age, upbringing, society, friends and family) is causing him to be a complete shit in my classes. In all reality, he's a sad soul who is really lost sexually and is a closet case struggling with his own internalized homophobia. As a result, he'll never EVER be able to come out unless he moves away from the inner-city and his Dominican family. He's a total ringleader of a lot of kids and his image is EVERYTHING to him. We sat for about 90 minutes hashing out a lot of stuff. I hope it was good for him. We'll see.

I'm probably going to Matt's tomorrow. Blah. I so don't want to. I'm only doing it to have that comfort of being with someone. Neither of us are really into it anymore, that much is clear. Whateva.

A snip-it of my convo with one of my bestest STRAIGHT friends from high school, Jeff:

rickyatuofm (7:35:58 PM): dude, u know what? I need you to get married... for me. I want to be in a wedding. all my friends have been lately. I WANT TO BE!

Jo35347 (7:36:37 PM): i dont c it happenin

rickyatuofm (7:36:44 PM): think positive.

Jo35347 (7:37:11 PM): ok i positivly dont c it happenin

rickyatuofm (7:37:38 PM): I suppose we could just get married...rickyatuofm (7:37:46 PM): don't worry about the sex- no one actually does it after marriage anyway.

Jo35347 (7:38:12 PM): u set the date

rickyatuofm (7:38:46 PM): sweet!

rickyatuofm (7:39:17 PM): what would we have cory be?

rickyatuofm (7:39:22 PM): valet dude?

Jo35347 (7:39:34 PM): flower girl

rickyatuofm (7:39:37 PM): perfect!

That was really only for Cory and Courtney- no one else from HS reads this... or do you?!?

Tuesday, January 16th, 2007
9:32 pm
this and that...
First and foremost (mostly cuz my friend who directed it just sent me the link and I'm all nostalgic and want you to see...) This is a piece I wrote and performed in back in college... One of only a few gay roles I've ever played... go figure! I'm proud of this piece... it's rough, but means a lot... So- without further adieu- turn up your volume. Click the link. read the mini intro and sit through the entire 6min 22sec or you wont get it and I will hate you. mmk. thanks. :) http://playgallery.org/videos/122/

In other news, the dinner I made was yummy. Rice. black beans. lots of vegetables.

Going back to school today was rather painless. Thank God.

I may be getting a teacher's license revoked. I wont go into details. She's crazy and needs to get the smack down... I just don't want to be the one to do it. She's raising a daughter as a single mom... I just wish she could think about the type of teacher she wants forming her child's mind then re-evaluate who/how she is... blah.

My Special Ed dept. is busy applying for a $250,000 grant (paid over again annually for 3.5 years.) :) Keep your fingers crossed- this would be HUUUGGEEE!!!

I need to pee...

I wont go into details but- I went to a sex party in Brooklyn on saturday. Cliff notes:

Random dude: "Hey you're hot. Want to come to my hot party in Brooklyn with over 75 young, lean, cute in shape guys friday?"

Me: "umm... YES!"
*Me thinking it was going to be a cool house party with lots of potential husbands*

*ding dong*
Host: "Come in!"

Me: "HAHAHAH... WHAT THE FUC...?!?!"

*look out and see a sea of naked men... rimming, fisting, 6-way anal trains, cum shots on faces, screams/pants/pleads of all sorts of emotions from ecstasy to...*

*Me wanting to leave before I died- as this was by far the most gruesome scene I've ever seen. Mike convincing me to stay as it would "provide a story to tell to all!"

*Me being a moron and agreeing... HEY- "FREE UNLIMITED COSMOS," I reasoned!!*

*Me telling the host I refuse to pay $20 and using my charm to get in for free...*

*Me telling the host I refuse to take my clothes off and settling upon the deal that I at least take my shirt off, as it makes the other party patrons nervous...*

*Me never taking anything else off for the duration and swatting people away upon first touch, breath, glance!*

*Me staying for 3 hours observing everything close-up with a completely (literally) scientific approach, failing to ever get hard... or nearly as such. :)*

*Me leaving the only one (out of over 80) never touching, kissing, being naked or showing my cock off...*

*Me being completely sad about the current state of the gay world.*

*Me realizing this is NOT all the gay world...*

*Me realizing this is probably far more of the gay world than I'd like to admit/know about...*

*Me wrapping this story up!*

Moving on- Final exams are this week. Regents are next week. It makes things a lot easier, let me tell you. Review, test, test, start new semester. hah. :) Sweet!

We had to forfeit 5 (of 15!!) games last night at my pool league match. I was pissed. I travelled all the way to Queens only to find out we were short 2 fucking players! I was really livid. clearly, we lost the match. Will drop us in the standings, especially since we were playing the team right below us. Blah- I wanted to crack the top 5 last night! Season's almost over.

Matt and I are all but done. Oh well. It wasn't meant to be. He however did IM me tonight asking to see me. I will probably go cuz I'm vulnerable and it's nice to still have someone to hang with. Certainly little emotional attachment for me, which is probably rude... yet safe! I must ALWAYS have the upper hand. :)

Ok, lots more but over it. It's almost my bedtime. Oh- lost more $ this weekend playing poker. $1400 in a month. I'm a wreck, it's true. Oh well. Night kids!~

Current Mood: full
Sunday, January 7th, 2007
6:18 am
Ok... you're right. I have a problem.
I have a gambling problem. It's bad. After losing $500 three weeks ago I said I was done. I went tonight. I was feeling vulnerable. argh. I lost $650. I don't have $1150 to lose in a month.

The weird part is that I don't really care that much. I don't like $. Growing up I loved... no desired $. It was an insatiable need I had. Now I despise it. It does awful things to people. Like me.

I stayed at a friends til 1am last night playing. I won $55. It was uneventful. The point is- I didn't leave even though I had to wake at 6 to be to work this morning. Yes, high school teachers do work saturdays sometimes. I volunteered to proctor Regents exams. "Hey, a quick $150! after taxes. sweet." You see what I do for $? THen I go and blow over 3 times that amount.

I don't know how I feel about it all. I have this deep desire for $, yet I could care less when it goes. Gambling is something I love. crave. I always eat cheap, look for sales and rarely spend $ frivolously. In fact, I get so angry when my friends tell me of the $300 hair jobs they receive or $250 sunglasses they buy. How dare I?

I don't know what to do about it all. I have a ton to update but I'm tired. After all, it's 6:15am, I just got home from playing poker with the mafia and I've been up for 24 hours. I think we've got a problem on our hands.

In other news, I no longer have the upper hand with him and it freaks me out. I'm not trying to justify playing poker- but it was my comfort for the blah-ness. I had it... and I lost it. I want it back. I think we're nearing the end. Sad. I just have to find a way to pick a different comforting tangible. night kids.

Current Mood: restless
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